We typically try to host a happy hour once a month for our friends at our house, and typically each month it hops from house to house. Regardless of where it is, it provides all of us with an opportunity to get together and simply catch up.
As of recent weeks, it has become quite the priority for us to make time for our friends and catch up. Many of us are spread pretty thin as soon as Thanksgiving hits. We all end up having to go to multiple houses every day, spend time with relatives we don’t like, and eat food that tastes like the ass end of a cardboard box.
So, last night was our night! We invited Arthur (The Golf Pro) and his lady friend over for a hang, and it generally is a pretty good time, so why not!?
Arthur and his lady have a long history. Long. Literally too long to type. Just know that they’re both fucking nuts. Literally.
They get over to our house around 3PM and we start off with some cocktails, pool, games, etc. Typical drunk people things, that drunk people do. The evening progressed, and we start noticing that these two start disappearing sporadically. Like Arthur will go take a sh*t, theeeen his lady friend will go refill her drink. Apparently, the only one getting a refill was Arthur’s lady friend.
At the end of the evening, we send them home. (They live in the neighborhood so it’s walking distance)
This morning i wake up and pick up from the night before and disinfect the shame that Arthur and his woman may have left in our house. I am vacuuming the basement, which is my typical weekend activity. Take an energy pill and go “Rain Man” on the cleaning. As i am cleaning i find a pair of shame filled panties crammed in a corner in our pool room. They’re discretely lodged behind a chair. Initially i think it’s one of the dog’s toys, for the sole fact that they’re bright pink and blue.
We call Arthur.. Turns out.. They’re his lady friend’s. I pick them up while wearing rubber dish washing gloves, and throw them in the garbage.
(Fast forward 3 hours)
I finish cleaning and am about to start taking out the garbage, so i make my rounds and start hitting up all of the waste baskets in all of the bathrooms (where the whore-ish evidence was disposed of a few hours ago). However, now when i return to the bathroom there are no panties. Still all of the general garbage is in there, but the brightly colored stripper girl panties i found aren’t. Being the typical guy i am i say “f*ck it”, i think no more of it, and move on with my day.
(Fast forward another 2 hours)
I am now picking up the back yard. We have a very large dog who takes sh*ts the size of a Clydesdale. Literally, it’s mind boggling when you see what this animal can produce. As i am picking up the poop in the back yard i notice this brightly colored turd i am wrestling. It wont come off of the pooper-scooper…. Because i have now stabbed THROUGH and SNAGGED the lace panties that our dog ate out of the trash, and NOW has shit out into MY damn back yard.
While i am disgusted that our dog ate these, i am also pleased that he disposed of them in the backyard. While covered in dog shit, i am sure that’s the cleanest those panties have ever been.
This is the dysfunction we live with. If it’s not our idiot friends, it’s the idiot dog.